Alistiltskin
by Shrilanka-San
Summary: ONE SHOT! Not another fairy tale! Yes, see the horror of what happens when a Stupid Auzie sells his daughter to a pygmy king, and a wierd girlyman comes to her aide! COWRITTEN BY BUTTSYBOY!


**Shri: **Oh, not again! Yes people, for the second time this eternity, Buttsy-Boy has begged and pleaded and cried to join up in another story. I have also begged him to not create a story with the Girly Man. Once again, he refused.

**Buttsy:** I did not! You let me do it!

**Shri: **After you kept bugging me!

**Buttsy: **Wait a minute, I kept bugging you?

**Shri: **WHAT DO YOU THINK ASKING 'OH, CAN WE WRITE NOW? OH, CAN WE WRITE NOW? OH CAN WE WRITE NOW?' IS?

**Buttsy: **I think the Price is Right is on in three minutes…

**Shri: **-.-;; My God, at times I wonder about you…

**Buttsy: **I WANT A Z-METAL TANK!

**Shri: **Can we please just start the story? We don't own Yu-Gi-Oh by the way…or Rumplestiltskin…

**Buttsy: **Z-Metal Tank, Z-Metal Tank, Z-Metal TAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!

**Shri: **Take my brother….please…

**ALICESTILTSKIN**

Once upon a time, there was a Girly Man named Ali-

"DON'T SAY MY NAME!" said uh…the Girly Man. "AND I'M NOT A GIRL!"

Okay, back to the actual story…I think. Once upon a time, there was a farmer, his mom, and their daughter Tea. Now, the father was a huge, fat liar, and the Grandma…was a guy.

"I hate you," said Raphael in a granny kind of dress, with a frilly bonnet, and a gray-haired wig.

Okay, back to the story. When Tea was seven, she received the things that would give her everything she needed to become the happiest woman in all the land. It happened the day she was beating up a fish with a broom, when her dear old granny, Raffy, came to her with a valuable gift.

"That's a nice fish you're beating up," said Raffy, as Tea continued to beat the dead fish for no reason at all. "Hmm…I suppose I need to give you your fifth birthday present…"

"I'm seven you senile old man lady," said Tea in a cute, seven-year-old voice.

"Such a jolly young gel…" said Raffy, resisting the urge to snap Tea's neck. "Anyway, I have two presents that belonged to your mother before she turned into a chicken by that evil curse thingy. Her two most valuable possessions…a Mystical Ipod, and the great Sapphire Pencil Sharpener!"

"Woot, shiny…" said Tea as Raffy held out the priceless treasures.

"Take good care of them, because according to the script, I die in scene two," said Raffy.

"SWEET!" said Tea, taking the two priceless treasures, and skipping off to see if she could go torture her friends by throwing them at them.

And now, for scene two, which takes place nine years later. In this scene, the midget king of the land, Yugi, rode his...his…okay, WHERE DID WE PUT THE HORSES?

"They all died!" said Valon.

WELL WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND HORSES THIS LATE IN THE STORY? Okay, we'll work this out…okay, what kind of transportation devices we have lying around?

"We got a little pink tricycle, a skateboard, a microscopic car, a camel in its late fifties, and a donkey that's about to die-" said Valon.

There was a hack from offstage.

"A donkey that's dead," Valon corrected.

Um…let's go with the pink tricycle. So Yugi, Jeez, I can't believe I'm saying this, rode a little pink tricycle all the way to the house of the fat, ugly, lying father of the Tea, the Stupid Auzie.

"Dude, why's the king riding a pink tricycle?" asked a random peasant named Joey, who watched as Yugi biked up the huge hill to get to the little farmhouse on the top.

"I don't know...gas prices probably…" said another random peasant named Serenity.

So anyway, back to the POINT! Yugi had made it up the hill to see the lying farmer. Eager to impress the four-foot-tall king, the Stupid Auzie welcomed him into his home. And Tea, now a young woman, continued to beat up dead fish on the lawn for some reason. I'm afraid to ask, so deal.

"Hello ugly, poor, unintelligent peasant!" said Yugi cheerfully to Valon the idiotic farmer. "I am tired after riding up this large hill on my noble steed, I mean pink tricycle! May I rest for a while in your small, cramped, dirty, and vermin-infested house?"

"OKAY!" said Valon enthusiastically as he let the king in, opening the door and letting the height-lacking king into the house.

"So village bimbo," asked Yugi, "what is your trade? How do you make money and put unsanitary, spoiled, and poorly prepared food on the table?"

"I make moldy cheese!" said Valon happily.

"Splendid!" said Yugi. "And what of your daughter? Does she beat up dead fish all day? For sure, if I were in some crazy mood to make you fabulously rich, it wouldn't be so if your daughter beat the snot out of deceased swimmy things."

"Uh…of course she doesn't!" said Valon. "She…um, CAN TURN STRAW INTO GOLD, AND GOLD INTO STRAW!"

**WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HSJAIUM (Heartless and Souless Jerks Against Illicit Use of Magic)**

"Hello, my name is Master Dartz," said Dartz to the audience. "As you know, in order to perform feats of magic or any relation to magic, one must be a fully licensed magic user, not some daughter of a Stupid Auzie peasant. If you know someone practicing magic unlicensed, for either profit of public appeal, this is in direct violation of the Magical Practices Treaty of 1879, and you should report such actions to your local authorities immediately! Right, back to the story!"

**BACK TO THE ORIGINAL STORY**

"GASP!" said Yugi. "No way, that's so flipping cool! May I please have her, and never give her back to you ever?"

"I don't know…she's my only daughter and I love her…" said Valon. "Plus if I send her away, I'll have no one to look after me in my old age, and I'll slowly waste away before my very eyes, my limbs will get all nasty and crinkly, my hair will turn gray, my spine will shrink, my eyes will grow weak, until I eventually am unable to take care of myself and watch myself die a long, slow, and painful death."

"I'll give you this worthless piece of metal…" said Yugi, holding up a bar of pure zinc.

"SOLD!" said Valon, taking the nugget.

And so the young, beautiful Tea was taken away upon the incredibly twit-like, short, and bug eyed king back to his beautiful palace, of which Tea had to sit on the handlebars of his tricycle, which turned out to be a traffic hazard due to the fact that Yugi couldn't see the road and kept running into things.

"Boy, the upper class has gone downhill…" said Joey the random peasant.

"Uh huh…" said Serenity.

But it turned out there was no time to accuse the upper class, despite the obvious downsides of inbreeding, lack of moral incentive, and the strict rules of bloodline which practically breed no-good, lazy butt-heads in the government system of the time. For the moment she got to the fabulous palace, she was placed in a huge room filled with straw.

"Okay Miss," said Yugi. "If you are truly able to weave straw into gold, then your task is to turn this entire room filled with straw into gold."

**WE INTERUPT THIS STORY, ONCE AGAIN, TO GIVE YOU A NOT-AS-SPECIAL ANOUNCEMENT AS THE FIRST ONE BUT PLEASE TRY TO DEAL ANYWAY FROM THE HSJAIUM  
**

"Yes, Dartz couldn't be here for this announcement, so I'm taking over," said Kaiba.

"I'M HERE! YOU TIED ME UP AND SHOVED ME UNDER THE DESK!" said Dartz.

"SHUT UP!" said Kaiba. "Anyway, just as a note, as of the Magical Counterfeiting Act of 1956, any duplication of turning everyday objects such as straw, paper, table lamps, CDs, luxury sedans, table lamps, toilet seats, mushrooms, grass, silverware, plastic silverware, yatta yatta yatta into gold by magical means is officially declared illegal. So don't repeat this stunt at home using magical means you bunch of brainless fools."

"YAAARGH!" screamed Dartz, pulling Kaiba by the throat under the desk, starting a fight scene that we can't show because it has no relevance to the actual story.

**BACK TO THE STORY**

"Uh, I don't know how to spin straw into gold," said Tea.

"Oooh, that's too bad!" said Yugi. "Because if you can't weave all this straw into gold by sunrise tomorrow, I'm afraid I'll have to kill you and your foolish father, as well as burn your farm to the ground and use dynamite to blow up the hill that you lived on!"

"Maybe I can do it," Tea said sheepishly.

"You better, or you're dead!" Yugi said cheerfully with a happy smile on face, closing the door and locking Tea in.

And so, Tea spent all night trying to figure out some way to weave the straw into gold. She tried tearing the straw apart and shoving it in the wheel. It didn't work. She tried to ask the straw nicely to change into gold. That didn't work. She tried to tear it up, ask nicely to change into gold, burned it, stamped it into dust, and then shoved it into the spinning wheel. That didn't work either. It seemed like she was out of luck, until at exactly 1:36 AM, she started crying.

And that's when there was a small poof, and from the magical cloud walked a Girly Man named-

"SHUT UP!" said the Girly Man.

Who's name, uh, doesn't really matter I guess. Anyway, she, HE, decided to comfort Tea by giving her a swift kick in the rear.

"Hey kid," she, HE, said. "What are you crying about?"

"Oh Ms. Girly Man!" said Tea.

"NOT A GIRL!" said the Girly Man.

"My foolish, lying father sold me for a worthless piece of metal, after lying by saying that I can spin straw into gold, and gold into straw, and cats into common cooking ware! Now if I don't spin it all, the king will burn down my house, kill my father, which is a good thing, and me, which is not a good thing, and blow up the hill!" said Tea.

"Ouch," said the Girly Man. "Listen kid, I can spin this straw into gold for you for a proper price. You must either hack of an arm, or give me something of value."

"Um…I have a mystical Ipod," said Tea, pulling it out.

"SWEET!" said the Girly man. "You got yourself a deal kid!"

And with that, the Girly Man quickly began to work to weave all of the straw into gold, all night, listening to 'Burning down the House' by the Talking Heads, while Tea, putting all her trust into an absolute stranger with magical powers, fell asleep, dreaming of her manly grandmother…and flying bananas. She missed her Italian grandmother so much!

"NOT ITALIAN!" said Raphael, who then realized he was dead, and quickly scampered out of the scene.

The next morning, Yugi, with the big scary axe of scariness, went off to kill Tea, because he knew she couldn't spin straw into gold. What he didn't think of was that a random Girly Man would come and do the job for her. So when he found Tea sleeping in a massive pile of gold, he was convinced that either she was a witch, or something really weird was going on.

"YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE FIRST TASK!" screamed Yugi at the top of his lungs, waking up Tea with a start. "Do it again!"

"NO!" said Tea.

"Keeel yooooooooooou," said Yugi.

"Crud," said Tea.

So Yugi sent out an order to have five hundred carts of straw bought from the local straw farmers of the area, which were all wheeled to the great palace down the lane, when they were supposed to be used to feed the livestock over the cold winter months, meaning that there was little chance that the animals of the area would survive the winter, and they would have to all be bought again next spring, costing local farmers much of the money they would spend to aide their families.

"Why do we care about that stuff anyway?" asked the village idiot, who was squashed by a ten-ton weight.

"Hey, what's with all the carts of straw being wheeled to the palace?" asked Serenity the random peasant.

"King's probably got a chick who can weave straw into gold," said Joey the random peasant.

"Naw, only Girly Men can do that," said Serenity.

**WE INTERUPT THIS PROGRAM, YES _AGAIN, _TO PRESENT A NOT-SPECIAL-AT-ALL ANOUNCEMENT FROM THE HSJAIUM**

"Hello again," said Mai. "Uh, don't worry about the other two, they're taken care of."

Dartz and Kaiba were both tied up and gagged by duct tape in the corner.

"Anyway," said Mai. "Serenity the random peasant's statement isn't true, and in fact, nearly all magical races, ethnicities, and cross dressers are capable of spinning straw into gold. It's a very wide field."

**BACK TO THE STORY**

"Okay sugar sweets," said Yugi.

"Don't call me sugar sweets," said Tea.

"I didn't lovely," said Yugi.

"DON'T CALL ME LOVELY!" said Tea.

"Did I call you lovely, pumpkin?" asked Yugi.

"WHAT IS IT?" asked Tea.

"Well, if you want to live another day, all you have to do is weave this entire humongous room full of straw into gold!" said Yugi. "If you don't I kill of you, your dad, your house, and your hill. Comprende?"

"But I don't have to after this, right?" asked Tea.

"Yeah, sure," said Yugi.

So Tea once again had a sleepless night trying to weave the straw into gold. Everything she tried was in vain. She was flashing back to all the good things in her life, like the time she learned to ride a horse, or the time her dad got his head stuck in the toilet, or the time when she was so convinced that she was actually adopted, that she stole all of her father's money, rented a boat, got lost, and ended up on a tiny island, where she had to swim home past all the butt sharks, and got grounded for a year when she got home.

And that's when, yet again, there was a little poof, and out of nowhere, the Girly Man came.

"What do you want now?" he asked.

"Can you do the straw thing again?" asked Tea. "PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!"

"No," said the Girly Man. "I don't feel like it."

"I'll give you this Sapphire Pencil Sharpener!" said Tea, holding it out.

"Whatever," said the Girly Man, snatching it out of Tea's hand. "It's gotta be worth something on Ebay."

So the Girly Man once again preformed his feat of weirdness, and Tea, once again, completely bored of all this senselessness, fell asleep.

The next morning, Yugi couldn't believe of all the massive amounts of gold he had to spend on personal luxuries instead of the common good, so he had an even more cunning plan. With that, from all the lands in his kingdom, he summoned up twenty thousand carts of straw from all over, blah blah blah…

"Boy, this guy's sure hooked on straw," said Joey the random peasant.

"Remember last year when all the rage was turnips?" said Serenity. "I swear, it was turnip this, turnip that, hey look at my new turnip, turnip, turnip, turnip."

"Yeah," said Joey. "And what's scarier is that this year, ask anyone for a good turnip for a turnip surprise, and all they can say is 'who would have a turnip lying around this time of year?' It's disgusting! Stupid fads!"

Anyway, Yugi ironically did create a sensation around straw fad, with straw hats, straw coats, straw underwear, straw cars, straw this, straw that, everything was made of straw! But this wasn't a particularly good thing when a Big, Bad Wolf came into town…

So Tea was landed with the task of weaving gigantic room, full to the roof with straw, all into gold, with one tiny spinning wheel. However, there was a different catch.

"If you weave all of this to gold by morning, I will let you marry me!" said Yugi.

"EW! I don't like you like that!" said Tea.

"Okay, okay, I'll give you a government position, even though it's obvious you have no formal training!" said Yugi.

"Okay," said Tea.

So now we're back to the whole 'what am I going to do' thing. Tea had no clue where to start when it came to leveling this massive amount of straw. She had almost given up all hope of ever being happy again, when-

Poof!

"Okay, what now?" asked Alister.

"One more time with the straw thing?" asked Tea, pointing to the humongous pile of pure, one hundred percent straw.

"No," said the Girly Man. "You have nothing left to give me. So why the heck should I weave your filthy load of straw into gold again?"

"Well, it could be an 'as long as you're here' thing…" said Tea.

"_No_," said the Girly Man flatly.

"I'M NOT TOO PROUD TO BEG!" screamed Tea, getting down on her knees and groveling pathetically, crying and kissing his shoes.

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT AREADY! YEESH!" said Girly Man, pulling his foot out of Tea's clutches. "I'll do it, but in one year's time…you must hand over your first laptop computer!"

"NOT THE LAPTOP!" screamed Tea.

"Fine. No deal…" said the Girly Man, about to poof away.

"WAIT! NO! I'll do it…" said Tea pathetically.

**WE INTERUPT THIS PROGRAM, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…**

"Hello! Oim a Stupid Auzie!" said Valon, sitting in the chair, with a tied-up Mai at his side. "Now, me and Mai are gonna be together fore-"

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" screamed Kaiba and Dartz, talking Valon.

**Um…we'll get back to this later**

"Okay!" said Alister, knocking her out with a huge fish, and began to spin all the straw into gold.

And so, the king was greatly pleased to see the gold turned into straw the next morning, and he eagerly planned what kind of gold things he could make out of his vast supply of it. Like gold paper, gold pens, gold pencils, gold toilets, gold toilet seats, golden latrine paper, golden underwear, golden socks, and even golden horses which couldn't even move so it was kind of pointless. Oh, and he bought himself a new Jaguar.

"YEAH!" screamed Yugi, driving around in his new convertible.

"Hey, how come he can ride around in a convertible when A, it hasn't been invented yet, and B, there are a bunch of starving peasants in his kingdom?" asked Serenity.

"Huh?" said Joey, eating a burger and fries.

Uh…anyway, the months passed. Tea became governor, while Yugi cried at the fact he was still single, and Tea created a great new reign of prosperity in the tiny town, by opening more land to poor farmers, except the Stupid Auzie, an excess of surplus food, she became a patron of arts, including cartoons, and passed the Equal Rights to Poor, Stupid Peasants Act of the same year. And so time went by. Winter became Spring, Spring became Summer, Summer got bored and decided to take over for Autumn, then Autumn had a couple weeks, but then Winter came again. And that's when Serenity got her very first laptop.

"Ooh, it gets three gig," said Serneity, while Joey continue to stuff himself with hamburgers.

But by far the most profound and life changing was the fact that on that day, Tea got her first laptop that sung the theme to 'Spongebob Squarepants' whenever it opened, and it also had a really nice game card, and it showed a guy shaking his butt on the screensaver. But then, something bad happened.

**Okay, let's see how the announcement is going…**

"YAAAAAAH!" screamed Dartz, who was biting into the stupid Auzie's neck, as Mai began to beat up Kaiba with a-

**Nope, back to the story.**

And so, on that day, December 23rd, Tea was playing 'Bunny Bashers Gold' on her laptop, and then, there was a small poof in her room, and once again, the Girly Man walked in, but this time, it wasn't to help Tea.

"Alright, a deal's a deal, hand over the laptop," said the Girly Man.

"NO!" screamed Tea, hugging the laptop to her body. "I love this laptop! It makes me happy…"

"Don't care, hand it over," said the Girly Man.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tea screamed, starting to cry.

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!" said the Girly Man. "Let's play a little game. I'll let you keep your laptop, and your gold, if you guess my name right. You have three days to do it."

"HELLO, AND WELCOME TO 'GUESS HIS NAME!" said a nauseating game show host with a very ugly tie, as an audience cheered in the stands. "Today is day one, and Tea Gardner is trying to guess the name of Ali-"

"SHUT UP!" said Alister.

"That girl!" said the game show host.

"GUY!" screamed Alister.

"Herman!" guessed Tea.

"No," said the Girly Man.

"Fred?"

"No."

"Julius?"

"No."

"Alice?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Tammy?"

"I'M NOT A GIRL!"

"Sophie?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

There was a buzzing sound in the background.

"Oh, times up!" said the game show host. "Tune in tomorrow for part two 'Guess His Name'! See you tomorrow!"

And so, all night, Tea went out to search for the most unusual names to guess. She searched all over the village for the strangest people to aide her search for names.

"What's your name?" she asked a weird kid with green hair and ugly glasses.

"Weevil Underwood!" said Weevil.

"Oh, that's a stupid one, better put it down," said Tea.

"It's a stupid name!" sung a small chorus of children in the background.

"Who are they?" asked Weevil.

"Don't ask," said Tea, turning to a kid with long brown hair, a purple streak, and a stupid hat. "And your name?"

"Rex Raptor," said Rex.

"It's a stupid name!" sung the chorus again.

"QUIET!" said Tea, writing it down, and walking to the house of a blonde boob and his little sister. "And your names?"

"Mine's Serenity-" said Serenity.

"It's a stupid name!" sung the chorus.

"-and that's Joey…" said Serenity, pointing to a fat Joey, who was still eating hamburgers.

"It's a _really _stupid name!" sung the chorus.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Tea.

"No!" sung the chorus.

"GO AWAY!" screamed Tea.

"Never!" sung the chorus.

"I'm warning you…" said Tea.

After a long search, Tea came home with a full list of stupid names, as well as a few death threats from the angry mob. Anyway, the next day proved to be no luck in aiding her quest for the Girly Man's name.

"Beevis?" asked Tea.

"No," said the Girly Man.

"Ogelthorp?"

"No."

"It's a stupid name!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? Uh…Joey?"

"No."

"IT'S A STUPID NAME!"

"SHUT UP!"

Tea spent a long, sleepless night in bed, trying to figure out if there was a way to possibly guess the name of the rouge girly man. She stayed up all night. What could his name be? What?

But then…SHE SAW THE TITLE!

"OF COURSE!" she screamed, looking all the way to the top of the story. "THIS IS IT!"

**One last time…**

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

**Sorry, no good, we lost connection. Maybe later…**

"Hello and welcome to the final day of 'Guess His Name'!" said the game show host again to the cheering crowd.

"It's probably stupid!" sung the chorus.

"WILL YOU GO AWAY?" asked the game show host.

"Okay…I think I know this one…" said Tea to the girly man. "Is your name…Alistiltskin?"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?" asked Alistiltskin, but then he looked up. "Oh man…STUPID TITLE!"

"It's a stupid name!" sung the chorus.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Alister, jumping out the window into his Chevy Silverado, driving off into the day, past the peasants, never to be seen in this fan fic again.

---ooo---

"Hello…" said a beaten up Dartz, who was back in his chair, just before he got tore out of it and thrown on the floor by Mai, who was pretty beat up herself, as the fight scene was still reigning supreme in the announcement center.

"So how are we going to end this?" asked Shri to Buttsy, who were both in the announcement room.

"Hmm…" said Buttsy Boy. "Maybe they could all join up and finish this announcement…"

"Or we could turn them all into kitties?" asked Shri.

"That works too!" said Buttsy.

"I COMMAND EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM TO CHANGE INTO A KITTY!" screamed Shri.

"Hey, aren't we in this room too?" asked Buttsy.

POOF!

And so, Dartz, Kaiba, Mai, the Stupid Auzie, Shri, and Buttsy all turned into cats.

"Oops…" said Shri.

"THE END!" screamed Buttsy.

**THE END OF THE WORLD! Well, actually, just this story…**


End file.
